The patter of raindrops and the smell of wet mud could not distract Avi from what was going on in his head. In fact, it triggered more of the thoughts he wanted to get rid of. He picked up his phone and called up Madhav, his best friend. He badly wanted to talk with him, but his call was not answered. Avi took the keys of his car and took off to somewhere. Where he didn't know. In fact, he didn't want to know. He just knew that he had to get out of his house and get distracted. It wasn't that easy. The more he tried not to think, the harder it became. He took out a pill from the pack lying in front of him in the car and had it.
He switched on the radio in the car in the hope that listening to songs would help him. It did, a little. The muddle of thoughts didn't vanish completely, but reduced a little. Now he wasn't thinking about too many things; he was just thinking about Neha and the time they had spent together. Everything was so good, why it had to come to an end, he thought. She was the one who had brought brightness in his otherwise dull life. After the break up, he had tried to move on, but he couldn't really. If she were there in his life, she would have surely shown him a perspective. She would have helped him out of his worries and regrets.
Thinking about all these things, Avi didn't realise he had already driven 38 kilometers and was on a highway in the outskirts. He was feeling better. The pill was working. He suddenly realised that the climate was so good and that he was in the outskirts of the city. He kept on driving until he saw a chai tapri (a small tea stall) on the side of the road. He stopped his car and got down.
The rain had not completely stopped. It was still drizzling. He set on the bench near the tapri and ordered a tea.
Why the things were the way they were, he thought while drinking the tea. He was a loser in his personal life and professional life though the latter had not even began yet. He wasn't like this before, like a robot who was just existing. He had his dreams and he had picturised a beautiful life for himself, but it was long ago. Now everything had changed. Everything he did had gone wrong without any fault of him. Or it was all his fault. He sat on the bench absent mindedly for some time and then got up to leave. The questions which were repeatedly playing in his mind had no answers.
As he opened the door of the car, he heard someone saying, 'Beta, I think, you forgot your wallet.' When he turned back, he saw a middle aged man standing behind him, holding his wallet. 'Oh, thank you uncle. I didn't realise it', he said. The man smiled and said, 'Take care, Beta', and started walking on the side of the road. Avi sat in the car and started to head back. He saw the man walking slowly on the road. He didn't even have an umbrella. Avi thought to offer him a lift. He stopped his car, opened the window and loudly asked 'Uncle, where are you going? You want me to drop you anywhere?', Avi stopped his car and asked the man. 'Oh, if you can, it will be great, beta.' 'I am going towards Shola Road which will take around an hour's time from here. I hope it won't cause you any inconvenience'. 'No, uncle, not at all. Please come. I will drop you at Shola Road.'
The man sat in the car. Avi took off the car and started radio in the car. ' I hope I am not troubling you much. Actually I don't see any possibility of getting an auto or any other vehicle from here in this weather', said the man putting his seat belt on. 'No problem, uncle. I am glad that I am of some help to you', Avi said taking the pack of the tablets and keeping it the front drawer. 'Suffering from depression?', asked the man a little hesitantly. Avi got surprised from this unexpected question. 'A little anxiety', he said. 'Well, those medicines are strong ones. Not good for a little anxiety.' Avi asked perplexed, 'Are you a doctor, uncle? Please don't mind me asking.'
'Not a doctor, but a almost a doctor', the man smiled and said. He added looking at Avi's curious expressions, 'Actually, I had studied MBBS for three years and then dropped out'. 'Oh', said Avi. 'I am also studying MBBS', he added. 'I could make that out. Those medicines are self prescribed, right? Or you are seeing any counselor?'
'They are self prescribed', replied Avi.
'So what is the trouble? I mean your cause of 'a little anxiety'?
Avi didn't know whether to answer it or not. He would never talk these things with a stranger. But this man sounded familiar. Avi didn't understand why. Probably his dropping out MBBS course built some unknown connection with Avi. Everything that Avi wanted to forget came before his eyes in a moment.
Avi always wanted to be a professor. He was so good at explaining the things. He loved to motivate people and to guide them. But the destiny had brought him here. He had scored excellent marks in 12th board and the obvious choice was medical. Avi had taken decision by himself. He had surrendered to the idea of having a lucrative career and suppressed his own desires. That is why it was more difficult to move back. He had thought that the things will be okay with the passing of time. But they did not. In fact, they became more frustrating. Avi who used to motivate others had become hopeless, so much so that he required medicines to feel good or to feel normal. Things became a little better when Neha came in his life. They were friends, first and then became more than friends. But the relationship didn't last long. Perhaps because they were incompatible or perhaps because they were too young for a mature relationship. Avi had passed two years and he still has to pass two more years. He was feeling suffocated. He didn't know how he will spend his entire life being a doctor. He was competent and skillful but he wasn't happy with what he was doing. He wished he could change his decision. But there were hundreds of reasons in his mind which stopped him from doing so. It was completely impractical.
'It is okay if you are not comfortable answering it', said the man, 'we can talk something else.'
'No no. That is not the case', said Avi as if suddenly waking up from deep sleep. 'What is your name, uncle?', asked Avi breaking the chain of thoughts. 'You can call me AP Sir. That's what my students call me. They are almost of your age.'
Avi didn't think much and emptied himself to a middle aged man whom he was meeting for the first time, but he somehow felt some deep connection. AP Sir listened to him as he knew that the person suffering from depression needs someone to listen to. He too had passed from this phase once in his life.
'There are always choices in front of us. Some are difficult and some are easy. But it is most of the time difficult to choose among them. I have had similar experiences and I chose some of the difficult ones. They were painful for a while, but I am happy now. I am not asking you to drop out MBBS the way I did. I am simply asking you to do what makes you happy. Don't think, don't analyse. That leads to 'the little anxiety' which you are having. Just rule out those things that don't make you happy and you will reach where you want to be.'
Avi listened to AP Sir the way a child listens to a fascinating story. What he talked sounded so simple. 'Don't think much. Just rule out the things that don't make you happy. It will take you to where your happiness lies', Avi spoke in his mind. He smiled.
'Take right from here', AP Sir interrupted Avi's thoughts.
'Oh, sure, uncle.' Avi took a right and entered the posh Shola Main Road. Avi was feeling light suddenly. He did not know it was the pill or what he heard just now.
'Can you stop here? I want to buy a packet of milk' , AP Sir said pointing out at a shop at the corner.
'Sure sir. I will get one for you. You please be seated in the car', said Avi.
Avi got off from the car and quickly went to the shop. The shop keeper waved at AP Sir who was sitting in the car. 'A packet of milk', said Avi. 'Sure. AP Sir's son?', the shop keeper smiled and asked Avi. 'No no, just an acquainted', smiled Avi and replied. 'You look very similar to AP Sir', said the shop keeper. Avi smiled and left the shop. Avi liked when the shopkeeper said that he looked like AP Sir. He had a vague feeling of pride. Unconsciously, he had idealised AP Sir.
Avi entered the car and handed over the packet to AP Sir and drove the car straight in the street as guided by AP Sir. AP sir asked him to stop the car before a huge mansion. 'Here comes my abode', AP Sir smiled and said. 'Please come with me. My wife would be very happy to meet you.'
'No no, uncle. It's already late. I will surely come some other time. But I must tell you, uncle you have helped me a lot. Perhaps, you don't know it, but you have changed my life', Avi smiled and said with sparkling eyes.
'Beta, I don't think I have changed your life. I just shared something from my experiences. At the end it all depends on you. You are the maker and you are the breaker', he laughed and said.
Avi thanked him once again, waved him good bye and swept fast the car with a new energy and enthusiasm. He was happy. He had played the radio in the car, but noticed now the song being played. It was a Hindi song. The lyrics were beautiful. Especially the line, 'Khud hi to he hum, Kinare...'.
Avi reached his flat and parked his car. He noticed some people gathered in the parking area. He went there to see what was going on. He came to know that someone had jumped off from the sixth floor and committed suicide. 'He is Avinash Pandya, the tenant who lives on the sixth floor', said one of the bystanders.
'It wouldn't have been that bad', said a voice, 'if you could have just held on.'
